Do you I feel like a duck on top of the water- seemingly calm on the outside, yet madly peddling inside, trying to keep up with the demands of life?

You appear from the outside, as though your managing to balance everything- kids, family, job, shopping (and list goes on!) however, deep down, you feel as though you are out of control, and feeling overwhelmed with emotions!

Relationships experience many layers of stress. As a relationship counsellor, I hear these issues come up time and time again. The marriage is at risk, pressures mounts up and suddenly the relationship, family, running a business, finances, starts to tear and unravel, revealing the true struggles underneath.

Sam (*psuedo name) has 2 kids. She struggles to manage work, family life and to strike any balance in her life. She complains of constantly feeling low in energy and harbors resentment towards her partner for not contributing to the household and care giving. This ultimately led to a diminished love life, intimacy and their connection over time.

It sounds all too familiar, hearing couples experiencing communication breakdowns such as “ he or she just doesn’t understand” or “he or she doesn’t listen”. Both or either partners feel unheard and misunderstood, emotionally frustrated and confused. Often this is the first time couples seek help around their issues.

During our session, we talked about the key things that make healthy relationship –communication, connection, compassion and commitment.

Sam expressed feelings of resentment, guilt and fear and felt her life was “out of control” and her marriage was taking a big turn downwards. The passion has dwindled and she appears to have lost that loving connection with her partner. The wonderful honeymoon that she initially felt at the start of their relationship appears non-existent. She reported that he doesn’t seem “to get me”. Frustrated, she would take this out on the kids through arguments over trivial things which ultimately increased her upset.

Now Pause- perhaps what may be missing was learning some simple relationship skills, some strategies to learn what she needed and what the relationship needed most at the time. In Sam’s case, it was learning the benefits of the 5 key love languages.

The 5 love languages were developed by Dr Gary Chapman to help people understand the different ways we like to express love and give love. They include:

Verbal Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gifts

See Sam like most of us, expect our partners to give love in the way we give love. We expect our partners to receive love in the way we receive love. If I made dinner, spend time with the kids doing their homework, spend time with my friends to listen to their stories and make time for work on top of that, then I expect my partner to do just the same for me. When we went through the process of discovering her love language, we discovered that Sam’s love language was Quality time.

Sam percieves love from her partner and those around her if they created quality time with her. She enjoyed her partner arranging date nights just for the two of them or sat down with the family instead of watching TV or working away on his computer. She fondly remembered when they both arranged a night out together away from the family, just to be a couple.

After identifying Sam’s love language and her partner’s love language, we worked on a better understanding of herself and what she needed and more importantly, HOW these needs could be met. Equally important was discovering her partners love language and how he gives and receives love.

At the end, their communication and commitment towards each other moving forward went from strength to strength, simply by knowing what and how to use the love language to improve their relationship. The connection began to develop with greater understanding of each others love language and the couple started initiating creative ways to express their unique contribution into the relationship.

Remember to stop- pause- focus on yourself and your relationship. Knowing your love language could be key to saving your relationship in and amongst the chaos!

🦋 Keep transforming, x Lisa

Learn the 5 love language to transform your relationship

Learn your ♥️ Language!